Healthy sexual relationships are built of physical, emotional and relational skills developed over a lifetime.
| Growth Stage | Developmental Tasks
Consider that skills are Introduced, Practiced, and Mastered over time. NO ONE gets all these in the time frame suggested. EVERYONE has challenges in healthy sexuality. Almost all skills can be learned later than indicated. |
| Birth to 1yr | Discover some body parts- toes, tongue, ears, hands, and fingers
Grasp toes, hands, penis Explore the world with tongue Perceive the source of sensation, i.e., grasp foot-feels sensation in foot Trust caregivers to respond to cries and cues for food, comfort, and physical closeness Mirror movement, expression, emotion, i.e. smile in response, make eye contact, imitate sounds and expressions |
| 1yr to 3yrs | Explore entire body
Discover pleasurable sensations Learn to self-stimulate, i.e. rock, hold hands w self, put food in mouth Learn to manage elimination-pee and poop Inhibit aggressive impulses (somewhat) Deal with saying No and hearing No/ boundaries and limits Learn names for body parts Absorb family attitudes and rules about nudity and sex- shame or self-acceptance, showing body for humor or attention Demonstrate some gender identity (in some children) choosing trucks or dolls Express traits such as empathetic or self-absorbed, cooperative or competitive, task oriented or people oriented |
| 3yrs to 6yrs | Develop socially acceptable behavior-learn the rules
Compare body to others, realize genital differences Formulate an idea of where babies come from Introduced (hopefully) to rights and privileges as related to responsibilities Feel sexually, and/or romantically possessive of someone, i.e. opposite-sex parent Recognize and accept/question/reject gender identities and roles Internalize family attitudes about gender and sexual orientation- accepting or shaming, flexible or rigid Play mommy/daddy/baby pretend games, often switching roles easily Develop conflict resolution skills- beat ‘em up, talk it out, cry, take turns, walk away, isolate, shout and dominate, give in |
| 6yrs to 12yrs | For some, sex goes underground here, for some, it is very much part of everyday life
Hormones may begin to stir causing sexual/physical and emotional upheaval Begin to identify as boyfriend/girlfriend Experience first cooperative sexual encounters for some Experience first sexual violation for some Masturbate Seek out porn or research of various kinds Instruct each other verbally, or physically- some correctly, most not Learn to accept body as a rapidly changing vehicle-learn to love what is, or be fearful, ashamed, self-rejecting |
| 12yrs to 15yrs | Explore sexual self, self as a sexual being- power, pleasure, shame, attraction, desire, arousal, orgasm
Appreciate and care for body Encounter explicit sex education classes so mechanical as to seem to not be relevant to actual sex and procreation Learn to relate to others romantically, sexually Accept self and other people as different and valuable Negotiate for freedom from parents Dating-asking, being asked and saying no, accepting no, where to go, who pays, who drives Begin transfer of leadership from parents to friends with the attendant values clash/identity crisis Have a first crush or first date Begin or master use of social media with its free for all of uncensored sexual, aggressive, misinformed, and sometimes innocent and supportive chatter Learn to give self an orgasm, usually not reliably Explore sexual behavior with other people Begin to develop a personal relationship with sex as strictly physical pleasure-seeking, or a casual friendship thing, or power play, or spiritual connection or some combination Avoid judgment of others as poison to one’s own sense of safety and self-acceptance |
| 15yrs to 18yrs | Juggle shared pleasure vs sexual selfishness
Use sex to get love/love to get sex or a more respectful approach to friendship, romance sex Figure out what you like: figuring out what your partner likes Ask for what you like, accepting requests and denials Say what you will do won’t do and defending that choice under pressure Talk about sex with partner, parents, friends, health care providers etc Love and care for the body as it is Become aware and accept feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, behaviors Gain skill at managing responsibilities, strong emotions, other people’s needs Choose virginity/exclusivity/playing the field/abstinence and promiscuity Become close with someone outside the family Deal proactively pregnancy risk, birth control and condoms, disease transmission Become pregnant and choose to keep, abort or offer for adoption Gain some competency with personal sexual response-his erections and ejaculation, her arousal and orgasm Respond to reputations and sex- ‘geeks and studs’, ‘sluts and prudes’ STOP with giving and accepting judgments about other people or from other people Ladies take responsibility for your pleasure, not for his Develop an interest in mutually satisfying sex/become aware of the possibility of sexual teamwork Choose dating, hooking up or not…and what’s the goal? |
| 18yrs to 24yrs | Stick with or abandon earlier decisions about sexual activity
Begin to fledge/leave parents’ home Hook up, date, abstain, marry, monogamy, on the side…back to what’s it for? If settling into relationships, getting past the limerance/ crazy in love phase with a sex life we can enjoy Learn 5 kinds of touch-affectionate, sensual, playful/sexual, erotic, and intercourse Manage the physical and logistical challenges of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and babies under 5-who has the energy for sex? Manage being/not being in a relationship, how do we feel about that, about ourselves, how do we resolve decisions and conflicts and how do we have sex? Learn to delay ejaculation for most men or bring ejaculation for some men, and avoid shame for either Women and some men learn to orgasm with a partner and realize that we needs their input in order to be a sexual team Experience heartbreak and unhappy sex and the risk of loving and getting hurt Learn how and when to share input and feedback on what gets me in the mood, how to signal interest and initiation, how to build the flame (see levels of touch), when to move to the next ‘gear’, what makes her come, what helps him delay orgasm, what kind of spice/fantasy/fetish each likes. |
| 24yrs to 30yrs | Babies in the bed, undone dishes, too much work, too little money, conflicts everywhere-sex as a refuge, shared work-load is a path to shared sexuality
Keeping sex safe from the pressures of life and creating a sacred time and space Hot monogamy, not monogamy, and the asexual marriage- explicit and unspoken expectations and rules Develop a couple sexual style and rhythm that works: who initiates, who benefits Avoid the same-old, same-old scripted routine Make rules that are cooperative, explicit and workable that create emotional and sexual safety Accept aloneness: do we pursue sex in relationships or independent of relationship, or become abstinent or asexual What is the purpose of sex, and are we finding sex that is desirable, satisfying, pleasurable? Learn to be flexible with Good Enough Sex Maintain physical health-cardiovascular, blood sugar and skeletal health- critical to your sexual future Attend to various aspects of relationship-love, romance, intimacy, friendship, sex |
| 30yrs to 40yrs | Learn to work at health- cardiovascular health is critical to sexual function
Enjoy sex with kids in the house- 2 year olds and 15 year olds Make time and space for sex Accept the maturing body, loving what is, letting go of idealized body images Attend to feeling good about yourself and carrying, caring for, dressing and moving in your body Avoid the scripted sex life; create a pleasurable, flexible, satisfying couple sexual relationship Flow through changes in health, lifestyle, body, conflict, disappointment, conscious desire with communication and adjustments to behavior |
| 40yrs to 50yrs | Keep healthy
Accept self as body mind heart and soul Accept partner as same Oh, Hello, Pain-In-The-Body! You will not run/ruin my life Or my sex life Identify as a sexual and sexually desirable middle-aged adult Embrace the increasing investment in time, lubricants Accept his occasional lost erection and her slower arousal without anxiety and shame Mind the choice to medicate and what medications and side effects- this stuff influences desire and other aspects |
| 50yrs to 60yrs | Commit to health
Know, accept and communicate changing wants and needs Listen to the wants and needs of your partner Slow the approach to intercourse and let go of erection and orgasm as ultimate goals of sex Enjoy intimacy and pleasuring or being pleasured without expectation of particular outcomes Adapt to menopause and a less vigorous male sexual response Depend more on our partner to help us build to erotic flow- men needing time to build arousal |
| 60yrs to 90yrs | Continue commitment to health
Affirm self as a sexual person Beware the magic pill, they can help but are better used a small player in a larger strategy Enjoy the fact that female response may be more vigorous and reliable than male response-learn to piggy-back his arousal on hers Focus on quality and pleasure rather than quantity and performance |
